Love is beautiful until someone takes away its beauty and replaces it with pain.
Yeah yeah so the prompt for today is sewing machine and I came up with this…
It always feels bad to know that you are being used but you know what’s worse? Remaining in that used position, once you know get out and away from it. Such a person doesn’t deserve you at all, throw away the emotions and be strong because that strength is inside of you. And what’s more? You have God too!!!
I was going to sleep over in Deji’s house.
Everything within me was fighting me, it was turmoil in my head, in my heart, in my spirit but I just couldn’t leave him. He looked too sad, didn’t God say we should comfort and encourage? Moreover I still had my defense at hand. I had the bible verses I was going to use to preach at my fingertips if he brings up anything remotely sinful. All would be well.
“Alright, I would stay but this would be the last time. I just want you to have company. So what do you want to do?”
He just couldn’t contain his excitement; he looked so happy as he lifted me and ran around the room with me holding me like a small trophy. “Thank you so much! Ayo, you have no idea how much this means to me.” At that moment, I was so sure I had made the right decision.
“Okay, okay, okay, so are we doing anything else or do I just sleep?” I said with a look of mock exasperation on my face.
“Sleep? Don’t you even dare! We have got a long night ahead.” It seemed like he winked at me but I couldn’t be sure. I guess I was just being hopelessly paranoid. For the umpteenth time I told myself that nothing would happen.
“So, there is this new interesting movie I just got, you would so love it. C’mon sit down and stop standing like you are planning to open the door anytime soon.”
Well, I loved movies so I might as well enjoy it to take away my paranoia. I dropped my bag on the table by the side of the bed and bounced back on the bed, sitting beside Deji. He was lying down trying to locate the movie on his ancient looking laptop. Eventually, he located it and the movie started.
At first, the movie looked really innocent and plain, later on I realized it all started from the innocent looking movie. I laid down on the bed beside Deji to be more comfortable and was determined to just enjoy the movie. And it was then I realized that the movie was really not as innocent as it seemed, at some point I was wondering whether the movie intended to pass any message apart from how to have wild sex in absurd and weird places. Still, I just couldn’t stop watching the movie; after all I promised Deji I was going to keep him company, so I just continued.
It wasn’t long before I started noticing Deji’s sideward glances. At first, I assumed he was just trying to check whether I was asleep, so the next time I felt him glance at me, I simply looked at him and smiled back. He didn’t smile back.
I faced him fully, then I became afraid, it was then I knew that something I didn’t plan for was going to happen that night. His face had a very intense look of seriousness and concentration, concentration on me or better still my lips! All the bible verses I had prepared chose that point to make absolutely no sense to me. I simply didn’t know what to say, I was basically immobile, tongue tied, blank and he was coming closer.
My head was screaming, screaming that I stand, that I talk, that I ask him something, just say something to make him stop coming any closer. I couldn’t. I just kept staring at him hoping something would fall on his head to stop him or maybe a neighbor would knock. Just something! Anything! There was nothing.
I felt his hand cup my waist before he actually touched me, I let out a small involuntary gasp, he stopped moving his hands for a little while and then continued again all the while looking into my eyes and I was helpless to utter anything to stop him.
Suddenly, his hands were everywhere at once, they were invading, exploring, prodding, pressing, feeling, all at once. The feelings were overwhelming me, he just knew exactly where to touch, what to do, how to look at me that I became putty in his large hands, subject to the immense pleasure they brought me. He was fumbling with the zip of my jeans, I barely noticed because his other hand was busy in a hundred different places at the same time. Before I could comprehend any other thing, my pants were down and I felt a searing intense pain. I was being invaded, defiled; there was an alien, persistent on opening me up.
“Stop! Stop! Deji stop right now! You are hurting me, please stop, pleeeease stoooop!” The pain was unbearable, he didn’t seem to hear me at all, and he was just bent on hurting me. The touches that gave me pleasure a moment earlier meant nothing at all to me. All the illusion I had about sex being beautiful disappeared, I didn’t care about enjoying anything, I just wanted everything to stop. I felt violated, I sobbed uncontrollably, I was struggling but it would have been an understatement to say that Deji was in a trance. For him I was not there, he just wanted to open me up more and thrust into me more, he didn’t want to stop. He didn’t stop.
At a point I just stopped struggling, it was pointless, I accepted every thrust as a punishment from heaven, I clung at the sheets for life as I cried in agony and anguish. At last, he was finished with meting out the punishment, he rolled away panting heavily, I rolled to the side of the wall holding the small pillow for strength as I cried silently.
He said nothing, he just kept mute, I didn’t even want him to. I kept saying to myself over and again “I am dead, I am finished, it’s over.” My mind was still trying to grasp the full effect of what had just happened. It couldn’t.
All I felt was pain, physical, mental, emotional, pure undiluted pain. I was a disappointment; I had sinned against God, my parents, siblings, myself. I couldn’t imagine facing anyone in my family, church or school to say what had just happened. I was a strong advocate for no sex until marriage, it was almost my logo, I say it everywhere, and anywhere and now what would I ever say again without feeling like a hypocrite?
I tried to stand up, I felt so weak, my legs were shaky, I pushed myself up and used the wall and table as support till I got to the bathroom. I wanted to clean myself up but I almost could not do it, I felt absolute disgust at myself, I felt hatred, irritation but then I just wanted to get out of Deji’s house. I just rushed through it; I so desperately wanted to leave.
I came out hurriedly and quickly put on my clothes, He still couldn’t look at me. “Where are you going to Ayo? It’s late.” I wasn’t ready to reply him, even if I wanted to I just couldn’t find the words.
“Are you not going to say anything?”
“Can you open the door, I need to leave”
I couldn’t bear the fake concern, “Just open it! Now!” I almost screamed it.
Then what I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams happened. His voice became cold. “Then you have to use the pills, I didn’t use a condom, I can’t have you turning up preggies now or can I?” I turned to look at him, it might as well have been a total stranger, it definitely was not that sweet friend of mine that cracked me up every day.
I equally didn’t want to turn up pregnant but now I was shaking more from the hatred I saw in his eyes than the pain I felt between my legs. I walked slowly to the table and took the pills. He was standing by the door, the key in the keyhole, “Sweetheart, don’t you think you should stay?” He was actually touching me with those filthy hands.
“Don’t touch me! Don’t you ever touch me!” I flung the door open and practically ran out and into the cold night. I didn’t stop running until I reached the bus stop, thankfully the last cab still had a vacant seat. I rushed in and banged the door shut, buried my hands between my legs and continued weeping. It was all truly over for me. I was finished. God would never accept me again, I was too dirty, I was too certain God would never even look at me again talk less of talk to me. No God, I was truly finished.
Of course I was wrong.
Rest coming soonest 😘