I am not over her

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I am not over her.

I woke up staring at the designers suit hung in my room for my wedding and all I could think of is the girl I keep deceiving myself I am over and done with.

Her soft words and piercing light brown eyes still taunt me when I roll on the bed expecting my fingers to comb through her silky black tresses splayed seductively on the covers.

Tomorrow, I would be getting married to an ambitious woman I like and admire but one my soul has no sync with, yet the one that is the core of the beating of my heart I am desperately trying to get over.

I stupidly sent her pictures of my wife- to-be since we decided to keep in touch and inform each other when we moved on. I didn’t even inform her I was dating someone again and now I sent her my wedding invitation and pictures of my fiancĂ©. I know her like the back of my hand, she would be torn apart but will pretend to be fine just like I am pretending now.

We are two souls destined for a lifetime that just got everything wrong and now I am being entangled in a forever that I do not really want. I tell myself the lie I have been telling for the past few weeks as I get up to prepare for my friends. I am over her. My image staring right at me from the mirror showed the lie painted all over my face.

My life moved in a sluggish, slow motion as everyone fussed over the remaining things to do for the wedding. I just wished I could lock myself in the room and cuddle her, to just let her voice of reason course through my veins. I wanted her lips to remind me of the beauty of life again, I caressed her name through my lips again and cursed my misfortune.

A stupid person’s phone just rang out our song, that song I am almost hating now, the one we learnt word for word and sang at our friend’s birthday party last year. I can still feel the joy and love radiating through her shy eyes after we sang and got everyone jealous of our love.

Oh no! I am not sure I can do this! I am not sure I can go through with this wedding, her image would taunt me forever. I know she is not over me too, I could hear it in her voice when she called me to congratulate me on my wedding. I could hear the almost silent sniffing, the trembling and tremors in her voice.

Right now, I might not be sure of anything but I am certain of one thing.

I am not over her.

Not yet.

Not now.

Not ever.

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THE MARRIAGE BUG

Sometimes you know I really wonder why some people think the whole essence of life is to find a beautiful lady, a wonderful man, get married, have a couple of kids and wow! A life well spent!

Now please don’t get me wrong at all, marriage is a beautiful thing and the determinant of so many other things. You ought to think about it and plan for it. Its important.

You may want to ask; so what exactly is my issue? Well, my issue is getting engulfed, overwhelmed and totally driven by marriage. People think and talk about marriage like its the only thing left to do in their lives. Per time, its all they are working towards. I mean; How my current boyfriend does not get snatched by his ex, how I can show my girlfriend that I am the perfect husband material, how I can impress him with my body and submission, ….. And it goes on and on like that, the real issue is how people are so overtaken by this things that they forget marriage is not the endpoint at all. 

Marriage is not where it all starts at all and it is definitely not where it ends. Prepare for making your life have meaning outside marriage, prepare for being a human being that can stand on his or her own outside marriage. It’s bitter trying to get married to make yourself whole or to make your life meaningful ,’you can do good all by yourself’.

And yes, before I forget, please don’t let pressure either force you to be bitten by the marriage bug because all the people mounting the pressure won’t live your life for you. You will. Marriage is not by force and getting married on people’s time is definitely not your problem.

So live life,do all you got to do without bothering so much on something that would eventually come in God’s time.

Fence – Daily Prompt

You treated me like a Queen. You dressed me in sapphire and diamonds, you showed me love and affection like I have never seen before. You respected me in front of your peers, you were a perfect gentleman, the man of my dreams, my prince charming.

I waited for you to say the words, that would make me your wife, after all there was nothing else left but that. I made excuses, your work, your age, your time, everything. Now, I am tired.

Its been seven years, I am still your best friend, your Queen, confidant, business partner,everything but yours. I have grown weary of waiting. You seemed oblivious to this, content with treating me right. You don’t want any other close to me, just you, yet I am not yours.

I summon the courage, I ask you “when exactly are we getting married?”

The look on your face was the first hint, that all was not as I thought

“My love, you are my best friend, my sister, that’s what matters right?”

I shrink from your presence, I felt like I had been hit. I still gather the last of my dignity, “were you ever going to make me your wife?”

You laugh to my face, “Wife? What’s gotten into you, you are my sister for goodness sake, I would get married but not soon and definitely not to you hon”

I suddenly feel a hatred so strong, it threatened to overwhelm me. I don’t care what anyone says, you were playing a game, you had always been playing and I was the unfortunate pawn.

You were playing fence, you were neither here nor there, you were perfect on the fence, you sat at a very right angle, you made everyone see what you wanted them to see. To the girls a perfect bachelor and to me a married single guy.

You can’t convince me otherwise until you come down from the fence, your fence, to my side of the fence. The marriage side of your fence.

 

Here is my entry for the WordPress daily prompt Fence