INSECURE (conclusion)

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He brought her home. I had never seen her before but I was sure there was a her somewhere, I wasn’t stupid at all, I might have been emotionally weak but the blood of my family still runs in my veins.
I told Kelvin, I was traveling to Enugu to see my sister in school and of course we argued about everything but principally how he was going to it. Somehow, I ended up going to the market and cooking to put everything in fridge before leaving. Unsurprisingly, I got to the park very late and after waiting for two hours I realized I would just have to make the journey the next day, it really was late.
I made the tiresome journey home, I was too tired to notice that there was an underlying tension amongst his flatmates as I got in, they kept trying to talk to me, to prevent me from moving forward but I was too tired. I got to Kelvin’s door and brought out my key and opened the door and it was then my brain snapped into various violent pieces.
They were both naked, she was straddling him with her back to me and her long green weaves cascading the length of her smooth and curvy backside. He saw me first.
“Dunni, what are you doing here?!!”
“Kelvin!!!!!! What am I doing here?? What is she doing here???” My head was burning hot, I was a very quiet person by nature but the situation did not permit quietness.
Then she turned to face me and my anger grew in volumes. She looked like a screen goddess, perfect skin tone, her lips curled into a permanent small pout and the aura around her was just too classy, my scream did not move her a bit. She picked my wrapper and wrapped it round her shameless nakedness and then turned back to face Kelvin.
“Can you take care of this? I mean who is she to just barge in on me like that, I thought you had no girlfriend”
“Nina, don’t worry, it would be taken care of, she is my ex that comes once a while to visit.”
I thought I was hearing triple, ex? Once in a while? Visit?
I snapped.
I ran to the big sized mirror in the passage, broke it with my hands and ran back with a shard, the girl must die today, not tomorrow. The flatmates saw me running with the glass and shouted to Kelvin.
“Babe dey rush come with broken glass o! She fit kill person o!”
Kelvin was very fast. Very fast to protect the whore against me. He hit me with the door as I was running in, the glass broke into tiny pieces and I fell on them, it felt like a million tiny needles pricking me all at once. I hardly felt it, I was up again and ready to claw the b**ch to death; it never occurred to me to face Kelvin, he was my own heartbeat. This time around Kelvin picked me up and threw me over his shoulders, picked my bag at the side of the room and with the whole world watching, threw me out of his compound on the street without any shred of dignity.
In that moment, I was defeated through and through and the world had won against me. I still wanted Kelvin, I couldn’t breathe without him, he was the only real thing in my life, the only thing I had any passion about, he was taking my life by taking his presence. I picked the remaining shreds of my dignity and my bag and stopped a bike to take me to my hostel.
My roommate exclaimed when she saw me and it was no shock, I had been battered and I looked like it. She collected my bag from me and carefully helped me remove my clothes, she sat me on the bed and boiled water for me while she said nothing, I was staring into a non existent space; I wouldn’t have heard her. I needed my heartbeat back, I simply did not know a world without him as it’s centre.
After I had freshened up, I cried myself to sleep, having dreams of broad chest and long strong arms around me. The next morning I tried calling him but he kept cutting the calls, eventually I could not bear it again and I rushed to his place. I met him dressing up for a class and I ran to hold his legs with my knees to the ground.
“Kelvin, please I am sorry, I can’t live without you. I just felt pain that you brought another lady to our place..”
“My place!!! Do you hear me? Mine! There is no our anywhere, so just get out of My Place in peace before I have to throw you out”
“Kelvin please, I would have nobody in my life, you are the only one that means something to me. I won’t shout at your guests again, I will do everything you want please just don’t leave me. Please Kelvin”
After minutes of tireless begging and crying he picked me up.
“Dunni, you know I love you but you cannot be embarrassing my guests because you are having mood swings, now don’t ever disturb my guests. I am going for a class now but I will see you in the evening” My joy knew no bounds as I timidly nodded, I was back where I belonged but not for too long

*   *    *
Two weeks after, I managed to get the number of the screen goddess and I called her begging her to leave Kelvin alone, she cut the call and apparently she told Kelvin because that was the night I almost died.
“What did I tell you about embarrassing my guests, why did you call Nina?!!! Where you drunk?”
I cannot remember when the beating started I just remember with startling clarity that by the end of the night I was half dead and barely breathing. His flatmates rushed me to the health centre claiming they saw me that way in the middle of the road, on my side I feigned amnesia.
Distorted was the perfect word to describe myself, broken bones, swollen purplish flesh, marks and cuts, I was a caricature of myself and I couldn’t call my parents, what would I say happened?
Kelvin never came to visit me for once throughout the week I spent at the health centre. I knew beyond doubt that if I returned to his place I would surely die in his arms, I knew I couldn’t go back so I stayed alone.
I was depressed and unhappy, I wasn’t often alone, talking to no one but my inner self, wondering if there was a God somewhere. I contemplated suicide severally but I didn’t have the courage. Life meant nothing at all.
Eventually I sought for help, I went to a church close by and poured my soul out to the pastor. He introduced me to Christ afresh, it was all strange but gradually I understood that no one except God could help me. I faced my fears and insecurities and started healing gradually, it was a painful process of cutting myself off from Kelvin in my heart and my mind and growing totally dependent on God.

*    *     *
Its been six years now and as I walk down the aisle to meet the man I could only have dreamt of, I am gratefully aware of how far I have come. God had been faithful, truly he makes everything perfect in His time once you give him the reins. I occasionally talk to women facing domestic abuse or violence and assist them with recovery, my story always proves to be an inspiration to them all. I am glad I have found life, God and purpose and I just hope anyone looking at my life can realise that all hope is not lost with God watching for everything to work together for good for those that can yield to him.

INSECURE III

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“No Kelvin!! I don’t want any of this and you know it”
“Really Dunni? You don’t? How can you deny me this one thing I want to give you, this beautiful pleasure Dunni?”
“Its not like that, I am just not ready for it and I have told you and you said you understood it, that you would never ask me so why are you doing this  now?”
“Then just go!!!! I am tired of having to pick up your little fragile self always. I have never asked you for anything and I am asking you for just this one thing and you are saying no, then leave!!!!”
I couldn’t believe my eyes or ears, Kelvin had never even shouted at me but now he was screaming, like I had done something wrong that he was angry about but I couldn’t think of anyway I might have offended him. He knew, he knew I could not leave, he knew I was depending on him for the actual pumping of my heart, yet he turned against me. I didn’t know when the tears started rolling down my eyes and I started sobbing like a new widow.
He stopped screaming when he saw me in tears, he wrapped his arms around me and I felt so overwhelmed by his presence, his strength, his person, I couldn’t imagine him leaving me. He was the only one that had ever loved me and I am not about to lose his love.
He pulled me away to look deep into my eyes, the intensity of his gaze was intimidating, I felt all my resolve crumbling and when he asked me again I couldn’t help but nod vigorously like a corrected child.
Kelvin knew the art of lovemaking from his soul and he taught me everything I needed to know to satisfy him. At first it was beautiful and exquisite, exploring this beautiful new art but then several things were changing and they were changing radically.
Kelvin screams at me to leave at the slightest provocation, including when he doesn’t get his food that has become my daily duty, on time. He complains about everything, I can’t remember the last time he called me beautiful, or intelligent or anything nice for that matter. I was practically walking on eggshells around him. The only time he acts nice to me, are the few minutes between my legs; I usually live for those moments, those moments when I can see the breath I fell in love with, those moments I become the only thing he lives for.
Kelvin was not done breaking me, he started making me beg to make love to me and I did so shamelessly until I started seeing panties that were not mine, and green coloured long hair strands and smelling perfumes Kelvin’s dead body would never use; too feminine.
I was too afraid to say anything about it.
Then today happened.

INSECURE II

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Kelvin was everything to me, eventually he became my very breath, the centre of my existence. He made me feel beautiful, like there was no other person he would rather be with. Anytime I complained about my scar, he would cup my face so softly and trace the scar like it was a rare piece of treasure he had found, he got into the habit of placing light feathery kisses on my face that I fell in love with the scar and gained so much confidence about my appearance. Everything that came out of my mouth was always smart to him, he sought for my opinion on anything he did and he will never forget to exclaim “How did I get to meet such intelligent beauty?!!”
He took me everywhere with him, arm in arm all around campus, he was always showing me off; “Have you met the intelligent woman that owns my heart?” I was never comfortable with it but to see him show me off so proudly meant the world to me, eventually I would give a customary shy smile and keep mute. Often times the friends never gave me a second glance but I was not bothered, I had Kelvin and that was all that mattered.
Not being the most attractive of ladies with my flat behind and almost ironed nipples I think I call breasts, I was able to be firm on not having sex; I really didn’t have a choice but I knew I didn’t want to have sex till I was married.
This was the beginning of the end of my fantasy like love story.
Kelvin asked me in the nicest of ways to have sex with him and I said no. He practically went down on one knee, I thought he wanted to ask me to marry him and I was so lost and scared, I couldn’t imagine how I would have responded.
“Dunni would you allow me to make sweet and passionate love to you” In that moment I would have preferred a marriage proposal because I was totally off balance and speechless. He stood and drew me to himself, placing my small head on his very broad chest, before I could rationalize anything, his hands were travelling south, north and east almost simultaneously, the myriad of overwhelming emotions that hit me at the same time made me react violently and that was when I knew there is a beast in a man that he shields until you come to close.
The beast in Kelvin came alive….and it drew me closer…

Hope In Love And Nature

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Hey everyone, so I am really excited today as it is the last day of the prompts I have been writing on Instagram @tolarnee. I mean I have been writing it for 30 days and it has been so much fun and interesting too. I got to meet some amazing writers and poets and stretched myself too.
Anyways today’s prompt is about hope in love of a pessimistic person and also the beauty of nature, I do hope you enjoy😘😘😘

Incongruous Crack

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So I was looking forward to my next joint poetry and this is it finally!!! A very talented friend of mine Aniekan Akam wrote this and I added some few lines, though he won’t want me saying that but the truth is he is just really good. And I enjoyed writing this with him, the rhymes and all.
Its basically a poem about a guy that sincerely wants to love his hurting friend but needs to heal so he doesn’t end up hurting her some more. I really connected with it.

Here is the entire poem as it is in the picture:

Incongruous Crack

I stare at her eyes and conjure fantasies
But all those love stories are fallacies

I want to feel and not want to feel
But feel I must out of one of the feels

I want to love and cater for her hurt
But I’m yet to recover from my burns

She yearns to be happy, free and unbothered
I wish I could be her relief undercover

She’s optimistic love will come her way
I wish I could be that character and star in her play

Be her make believe prince
Sweeping her off her feet with a potent kiss

Be the cure to her ailment
The permanent solution to her predicament

Replace that frown with a smile
Make each step worth her while

Dry up her river banks down to the source
The reason she glows, I wanna be the cause

Make her loneliness a past tense
Be much closer to her than her best friends

Be the glue that holds her broken heart together
The drug that makes her feel better

Put her joy on replay
And her smile over and over again

Fuel her passion to love
Be the Almighty formula to every of her equation unsolved

Blot out her past from seeing daylight
Be the stars that light up her dark night

But I’m not courageous enough
To mend a broken soul while broken is tough

I’m emotionally bankrupt
To handle with care, a heart so fragile and soft

I’m not qualified enough to meet her requirements
Even to add flavour to taste, I’m not the right condiment

She needs something greater
And I might just be too mediocre

I want to love her and help her heal
But my own broken heart and pessimistic soul I first must heal

Aniekan Akam
Onashile Peace

Photo Credit: IG @54artistry