I am not over her

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I am not over her.

I woke up staring at the designers suit hung in my room for my wedding and all I could think of is the girl I keep deceiving myself I am over and done with.

Her soft words and piercing light brown eyes still taunt me when I roll on the bed expecting my fingers to comb through her silky black tresses splayed seductively on the covers.

Tomorrow, I would be getting married to an ambitious woman I like and admire but one my soul has no sync with, yet the one that is the core of the beating of my heart I am desperately trying to get over.

I stupidly sent her pictures of my wife- to-be since we decided to keep in touch and inform each other when we moved on. I didn’t even inform her I was dating someone again and now I sent her my wedding invitation and pictures of my fiancĂ©. I know her like the back of my hand, she would be torn apart but will pretend to be fine just like I am pretending now.

We are two souls destined for a lifetime that just got everything wrong and now I am being entangled in a forever that I do not really want. I tell myself the lie I have been telling for the past few weeks as I get up to prepare for my friends. I am over her. My image staring right at me from the mirror showed the lie painted all over my face.

My life moved in a sluggish, slow motion as everyone fussed over the remaining things to do for the wedding. I just wished I could lock myself in the room and cuddle her, to just let her voice of reason course through my veins. I wanted her lips to remind me of the beauty of life again, I caressed her name through my lips again and cursed my misfortune.

A stupid person’s phone just rang out our song, that song I am almost hating now, the one we learnt word for word and sang at our friend’s birthday party last year. I can still feel the joy and love radiating through her shy eyes after we sang and got everyone jealous of our love.

Oh no! I am not sure I can do this! I am not sure I can go through with this wedding, her image would taunt me forever. I know she is not over me too, I could hear it in her voice when she called me to congratulate me on my wedding. I could hear the almost silent sniffing, the trembling and tremors in her voice.

Right now, I might not be sure of anything but I am certain of one thing.

I am not over her.

Not yet.

Not now.

Not ever.

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Dark and Lonely

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Why won’t you let me in?
Why do you keep shutting me out?
It’s cold and dark and lonely out here without you!
I thought I could just walk away,
Just pretend you didn’t mean anything
Bury myself in a world of deception
And still be fine
But the cold out here is piercing
I didn’t realise the wall of protection I had
Was all cause of the love you surrounded me with
I took you for granted
I felt there were millions out there
And I will find another you in no time
Its day fifty, Bella
None could even come close
The beauty of your soul is ethereal
Your love is from a world beyond
I messed up Bella!
I know I did!
But don’t lock me out!
Please!
I need to live again
I need to feel pure passion coursing through my veins again
I need to feel zeal and hope and fire
And the million things you make me feel everyday
I am tired, Bella
Its dark and its cold and its lonely out here
Open up Bella
Please open
Please

Onashile Peace (tolarnee)

A Forever Cycle of Expected Heartbreaks

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The cycle of heartbreak is one you are used to
You know the beginning, the middle and end
At first
You lived for the beginning
The beautiful romance
Soul deep connections
And promising forevers
But now you can’t wait to get to the end
You know it’s getting there
When they get to that point
They always do
No one is different
So you wait patiently for them
And when they do
You seize it and never let it go
The heart break point
It’s over and its on to the next one
But he
He is touching the tendrils of the point
Yet not quite reaching there
Not giving enough for you to hold as his crime
He is playing a game you don’t understand
Leaving you guessing and elongating the expected heart break
Then you get angry
Gradually and steadily the anger grows
And finally the anger becomes your excuse
It becomes the abnormal point
Bingo! Its the end
The cycle would always find a way
To complete itself
Just because you want it to
You have grown used to the cycle
Love would never be enough
To break your hopeless romance
With a forever expectation of heartbreak
Always guarding the open doors of your broken heart

Onashile Peace (tolarnee)

Image source.. https://www.instagram.com/zonum12/

INSECURE (conclusion)

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He brought her home. I had never seen her before but I was sure there was a her somewhere, I wasn’t stupid at all, I might have been emotionally weak but the blood of my family still runs in my veins.
I told Kelvin, I was traveling to Enugu to see my sister in school and of course we argued about everything but principally how he was going to it. Somehow, I ended up going to the market and cooking to put everything in fridge before leaving. Unsurprisingly, I got to the park very late and after waiting for two hours I realized I would just have to make the journey the next day, it really was late.
I made the tiresome journey home, I was too tired to notice that there was an underlying tension amongst his flatmates as I got in, they kept trying to talk to me, to prevent me from moving forward but I was too tired. I got to Kelvin’s door and brought out my key and opened the door and it was then my brain snapped into various violent pieces.
They were both naked, she was straddling him with her back to me and her long green weaves cascading the length of her smooth and curvy backside. He saw me first.
“Dunni, what are you doing here?!!”
“Kelvin!!!!!! What am I doing here?? What is she doing here???” My head was burning hot, I was a very quiet person by nature but the situation did not permit quietness.
Then she turned to face me and my anger grew in volumes. She looked like a screen goddess, perfect skin tone, her lips curled into a permanent small pout and the aura around her was just too classy, my scream did not move her a bit. She picked my wrapper and wrapped it round her shameless nakedness and then turned back to face Kelvin.
“Can you take care of this? I mean who is she to just barge in on me like that, I thought you had no girlfriend”
“Nina, don’t worry, it would be taken care of, she is my ex that comes once a while to visit.”
I thought I was hearing triple, ex? Once in a while? Visit?
I snapped.
I ran to the big sized mirror in the passage, broke it with my hands and ran back with a shard, the girl must die today, not tomorrow. The flatmates saw me running with the glass and shouted to Kelvin.
“Babe dey rush come with broken glass o! She fit kill person o!”
Kelvin was very fast. Very fast to protect the whore against me. He hit me with the door as I was running in, the glass broke into tiny pieces and I fell on them, it felt like a million tiny needles pricking me all at once. I hardly felt it, I was up again and ready to claw the b**ch to death; it never occurred to me to face Kelvin, he was my own heartbeat. This time around Kelvin picked me up and threw me over his shoulders, picked my bag at the side of the room and with the whole world watching, threw me out of his compound on the street without any shred of dignity.
In that moment, I was defeated through and through and the world had won against me. I still wanted Kelvin, I couldn’t breathe without him, he was the only real thing in my life, the only thing I had any passion about, he was taking my life by taking his presence. I picked the remaining shreds of my dignity and my bag and stopped a bike to take me to my hostel.
My roommate exclaimed when she saw me and it was no shock, I had been battered and I looked like it. She collected my bag from me and carefully helped me remove my clothes, she sat me on the bed and boiled water for me while she said nothing, I was staring into a non existent space; I wouldn’t have heard her. I needed my heartbeat back, I simply did not know a world without him as it’s centre.
After I had freshened up, I cried myself to sleep, having dreams of broad chest and long strong arms around me. The next morning I tried calling him but he kept cutting the calls, eventually I could not bear it again and I rushed to his place. I met him dressing up for a class and I ran to hold his legs with my knees to the ground.
“Kelvin, please I am sorry, I can’t live without you. I just felt pain that you brought another lady to our place..”
“My place!!! Do you hear me? Mine! There is no our anywhere, so just get out of My Place in peace before I have to throw you out”
“Kelvin please, I would have nobody in my life, you are the only one that means something to me. I won’t shout at your guests again, I will do everything you want please just don’t leave me. Please Kelvin”
After minutes of tireless begging and crying he picked me up.
“Dunni, you know I love you but you cannot be embarrassing my guests because you are having mood swings, now don’t ever disturb my guests. I am going for a class now but I will see you in the evening” My joy knew no bounds as I timidly nodded, I was back where I belonged but not for too long

*   *    *
Two weeks after, I managed to get the number of the screen goddess and I called her begging her to leave Kelvin alone, she cut the call and apparently she told Kelvin because that was the night I almost died.
“What did I tell you about embarrassing my guests, why did you call Nina?!!! Where you drunk?”
I cannot remember when the beating started I just remember with startling clarity that by the end of the night I was half dead and barely breathing. His flatmates rushed me to the health centre claiming they saw me that way in the middle of the road, on my side I feigned amnesia.
Distorted was the perfect word to describe myself, broken bones, swollen purplish flesh, marks and cuts, I was a caricature of myself and I couldn’t call my parents, what would I say happened?
Kelvin never came to visit me for once throughout the week I spent at the health centre. I knew beyond doubt that if I returned to his place I would surely die in his arms, I knew I couldn’t go back so I stayed alone.
I was depressed and unhappy, I wasn’t often alone, talking to no one but my inner self, wondering if there was a God somewhere. I contemplated suicide severally but I didn’t have the courage. Life meant nothing at all.
Eventually I sought for help, I went to a church close by and poured my soul out to the pastor. He introduced me to Christ afresh, it was all strange but gradually I understood that no one except God could help me. I faced my fears and insecurities and started healing gradually, it was a painful process of cutting myself off from Kelvin in my heart and my mind and growing totally dependent on God.

*    *     *
Its been six years now and as I walk down the aisle to meet the man I could only have dreamt of, I am gratefully aware of how far I have come. God had been faithful, truly he makes everything perfect in His time once you give him the reins. I occasionally talk to women facing domestic abuse or violence and assist them with recovery, my story always proves to be an inspiration to them all. I am glad I have found life, God and purpose and I just hope anyone looking at my life can realise that all hope is not lost with God watching for everything to work together for good for those that can yield to him.

INSECURE III

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“No Kelvin!! I don’t want any of this and you know it”
“Really Dunni? You don’t? How can you deny me this one thing I want to give you, this beautiful pleasure Dunni?”
“Its not like that, I am just not ready for it and I have told you and you said you understood it, that you would never ask me so why are you doing this  now?”
“Then just go!!!! I am tired of having to pick up your little fragile self always. I have never asked you for anything and I am asking you for just this one thing and you are saying no, then leave!!!!”
I couldn’t believe my eyes or ears, Kelvin had never even shouted at me but now he was screaming, like I had done something wrong that he was angry about but I couldn’t think of anyway I might have offended him. He knew, he knew I could not leave, he knew I was depending on him for the actual pumping of my heart, yet he turned against me. I didn’t know when the tears started rolling down my eyes and I started sobbing like a new widow.
He stopped screaming when he saw me in tears, he wrapped his arms around me and I felt so overwhelmed by his presence, his strength, his person, I couldn’t imagine him leaving me. He was the only one that had ever loved me and I am not about to lose his love.
He pulled me away to look deep into my eyes, the intensity of his gaze was intimidating, I felt all my resolve crumbling and when he asked me again I couldn’t help but nod vigorously like a corrected child.
Kelvin knew the art of lovemaking from his soul and he taught me everything I needed to know to satisfy him. At first it was beautiful and exquisite, exploring this beautiful new art but then several things were changing and they were changing radically.
Kelvin screams at me to leave at the slightest provocation, including when he doesn’t get his food that has become my daily duty, on time. He complains about everything, I can’t remember the last time he called me beautiful, or intelligent or anything nice for that matter. I was practically walking on eggshells around him. The only time he acts nice to me, are the few minutes between my legs; I usually live for those moments, those moments when I can see the breath I fell in love with, those moments I become the only thing he lives for.
Kelvin was not done breaking me, he started making me beg to make love to me and I did so shamelessly until I started seeing panties that were not mine, and green coloured long hair strands and smelling perfumes Kelvin’s dead body would never use; too feminine.
I was too afraid to say anything about it.
Then today happened.

INSECURE II

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Kelvin was everything to me, eventually he became my very breath, the centre of my existence. He made me feel beautiful, like there was no other person he would rather be with. Anytime I complained about my scar, he would cup my face so softly and trace the scar like it was a rare piece of treasure he had found, he got into the habit of placing light feathery kisses on my face that I fell in love with the scar and gained so much confidence about my appearance. Everything that came out of my mouth was always smart to him, he sought for my opinion on anything he did and he will never forget to exclaim “How did I get to meet such intelligent beauty?!!”
He took me everywhere with him, arm in arm all around campus, he was always showing me off; “Have you met the intelligent woman that owns my heart?” I was never comfortable with it but to see him show me off so proudly meant the world to me, eventually I would give a customary shy smile and keep mute. Often times the friends never gave me a second glance but I was not bothered, I had Kelvin and that was all that mattered.
Not being the most attractive of ladies with my flat behind and almost ironed nipples I think I call breasts, I was able to be firm on not having sex; I really didn’t have a choice but I knew I didn’t want to have sex till I was married.
This was the beginning of the end of my fantasy like love story.
Kelvin asked me in the nicest of ways to have sex with him and I said no. He practically went down on one knee, I thought he wanted to ask me to marry him and I was so lost and scared, I couldn’t imagine how I would have responded.
“Dunni would you allow me to make sweet and passionate love to you” In that moment I would have preferred a marriage proposal because I was totally off balance and speechless. He stood and drew me to himself, placing my small head on his very broad chest, before I could rationalize anything, his hands were travelling south, north and east almost simultaneously, the myriad of overwhelming emotions that hit me at the same time made me react violently and that was when I knew there is a beast in a man that he shields until you come to close.
The beast in Kelvin came alive….and it drew me closer…