INSECURE (conclusion)

image

He brought her home. I had never seen her before but I was sure there was a her somewhere, I wasn’t stupid at all, I might have been emotionally weak but the blood of my family still runs in my veins.
I told Kelvin, I was traveling to Enugu to see my sister in school and of course we argued about everything but principally how he was going to it. Somehow, I ended up going to the market and cooking to put everything in fridge before leaving. Unsurprisingly, I got to the park very late and after waiting for two hours I realized I would just have to make the journey the next day, it really was late.
I made the tiresome journey home, I was too tired to notice that there was an underlying tension amongst his flatmates as I got in, they kept trying to talk to me, to prevent me from moving forward but I was too tired. I got to Kelvin’s door and brought out my key and opened the door and it was then my brain snapped into various violent pieces.
They were both naked, she was straddling him with her back to me and her long green weaves cascading the length of her smooth and curvy backside. He saw me first.
“Dunni, what are you doing here?!!”
“Kelvin!!!!!! What am I doing here?? What is she doing here???” My head was burning hot, I was a very quiet person by nature but the situation did not permit quietness.
Then she turned to face me and my anger grew in volumes. She looked like a screen goddess, perfect skin tone, her lips curled into a permanent small pout and the aura around her was just too classy, my scream did not move her a bit. She picked my wrapper and wrapped it round her shameless nakedness and then turned back to face Kelvin.
“Can you take care of this? I mean who is she to just barge in on me like that, I thought you had no girlfriend”
“Nina, don’t worry, it would be taken care of, she is my ex that comes once a while to visit.”
I thought I was hearing triple, ex? Once in a while? Visit?
I snapped.
I ran to the big sized mirror in the passage, broke it with my hands and ran back with a shard, the girl must die today, not tomorrow. The flatmates saw me running with the glass and shouted to Kelvin.
“Babe dey rush come with broken glass o! She fit kill person o!”
Kelvin was very fast. Very fast to protect the whore against me. He hit me with the door as I was running in, the glass broke into tiny pieces and I fell on them, it felt like a million tiny needles pricking me all at once. I hardly felt it, I was up again and ready to claw the b**ch to death; it never occurred to me to face Kelvin, he was my own heartbeat. This time around Kelvin picked me up and threw me over his shoulders, picked my bag at the side of the room and with the whole world watching, threw me out of his compound on the street without any shred of dignity.
In that moment, I was defeated through and through and the world had won against me. I still wanted Kelvin, I couldn’t breathe without him, he was the only real thing in my life, the only thing I had any passion about, he was taking my life by taking his presence. I picked the remaining shreds of my dignity and my bag and stopped a bike to take me to my hostel.
My roommate exclaimed when she saw me and it was no shock, I had been battered and I looked like it. She collected my bag from me and carefully helped me remove my clothes, she sat me on the bed and boiled water for me while she said nothing, I was staring into a non existent space; I wouldn’t have heard her. I needed my heartbeat back, I simply did not know a world without him as it’s centre.
After I had freshened up, I cried myself to sleep, having dreams of broad chest and long strong arms around me. The next morning I tried calling him but he kept cutting the calls, eventually I could not bear it again and I rushed to his place. I met him dressing up for a class and I ran to hold his legs with my knees to the ground.
“Kelvin, please I am sorry, I can’t live without you. I just felt pain that you brought another lady to our place..”
“My place!!! Do you hear me? Mine! There is no our anywhere, so just get out of My Place in peace before I have to throw you out”
“Kelvin please, I would have nobody in my life, you are the only one that means something to me. I won’t shout at your guests again, I will do everything you want please just don’t leave me. Please Kelvin”
After minutes of tireless begging and crying he picked me up.
“Dunni, you know I love you but you cannot be embarrassing my guests because you are having mood swings, now don’t ever disturb my guests. I am going for a class now but I will see you in the evening” My joy knew no bounds as I timidly nodded, I was back where I belonged but not for too long

*   *    *
Two weeks after, I managed to get the number of the screen goddess and I called her begging her to leave Kelvin alone, she cut the call and apparently she told Kelvin because that was the night I almost died.
“What did I tell you about embarrassing my guests, why did you call Nina?!!! Where you drunk?”
I cannot remember when the beating started I just remember with startling clarity that by the end of the night I was half dead and barely breathing. His flatmates rushed me to the health centre claiming they saw me that way in the middle of the road, on my side I feigned amnesia.
Distorted was the perfect word to describe myself, broken bones, swollen purplish flesh, marks and cuts, I was a caricature of myself and I couldn’t call my parents, what would I say happened?
Kelvin never came to visit me for once throughout the week I spent at the health centre. I knew beyond doubt that if I returned to his place I would surely die in his arms, I knew I couldn’t go back so I stayed alone.
I was depressed and unhappy, I wasn’t often alone, talking to no one but my inner self, wondering if there was a God somewhere. I contemplated suicide severally but I didn’t have the courage. Life meant nothing at all.
Eventually I sought for help, I went to a church close by and poured my soul out to the pastor. He introduced me to Christ afresh, it was all strange but gradually I understood that no one except God could help me. I faced my fears and insecurities and started healing gradually, it was a painful process of cutting myself off from Kelvin in my heart and my mind and growing totally dependent on God.

*    *     *
Its been six years now and as I walk down the aisle to meet the man I could only have dreamt of, I am gratefully aware of how far I have come. God had been faithful, truly he makes everything perfect in His time once you give him the reins. I occasionally talk to women facing domestic abuse or violence and assist them with recovery, my story always proves to be an inspiration to them all. I am glad I have found life, God and purpose and I just hope anyone looking at my life can realise that all hope is not lost with God watching for everything to work together for good for those that can yield to him.

LIGHT OF THE WORLD


​We are the light of the world, we are a city set on the hill that cannot be hidden. We are the salt of the earth, the earth cannot do without us. So take your place as THE light and don’t let any distraction or baggage of the world hold you down or stop you from shining and you have the Creator of the whole universe to lean on so if He is for you nothing can be against you!!!

Red Rose

I have been writing a series of short stories and poems on my Instagram page for some days now and it is to last for a month. They are basically random themes from the organizers of the monthly prompts. The picture above is from the prompt of today which is “the red rose”. It has been interesting so far, you could check the previous ones on my page @tolarnee

The red rose is simply about remaining connected to God because he is the vine and we are the branches, we are dead if we are disconnected; its simply a matter of time

Desire!

A desire so strong

Fiery and burning

Making my flesh uneasy

A desire so overwhelming

It occupies my every thought

My every word and every action

A desire so true

Its all I really want

And all I really need

This beautiful desire

To know you

To love you

To fellowship with you

To please you

To worship you

To be filled with more of you

Till I am overfilled

Lord our soul cries

That you fulfill this burning desire

To be lost in you

Till we can only be found in you

Our soul cries

Oh yes it yearns

We want more of you

FLIRTING WITH THE WORLD

You’re cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn’t care? The proverb has it that “he’s a fiercely jealous lover.” And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you’ll find. It’s common knowledge that “God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble.” So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he’ll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet. Don’t bad-mouth each other, friends. It’s God’s Word, his Message, his Royal Rule, that takes a beating in that kind of talk. You’re supposed to be honoring the Message, not writing graffiti all over it. God is in charge of deciding human destiny. Who do you think you are to meddle in the destiny of others?
James 4: 4-12(Msg)

Not my words. I saw it and realized more people can benefit from this.  You should read the whole chapter it would be really enlightening… Much much love 😘😘

IN THE MIDST OF THE MIST

image

Its hazy, misty
I see little
Or nothing at all
I am tired of searching through the darkness
With no direction at all
I fall to the left and right
Bruises my painful trademark
I am weak
I can move no more
I hear nothing
I feel alone
No friends
No words of encouragement
But go I must
Forward I must move
In the midst of the mist
And suddenly I realise
There are bodies all around
Bodies of those that have fallen
In the midst of the mist
Yet I still stand
Strong and firm
I am not better than all those bodies
Not more hard working
Or even stronger
But God chose to love me
To have mercy on me
And guide me
Through the midst of the mist
Suddenly it doesn’t seem hazy
Or misty
It’s all bright again
And I now understand
Even in the midst of the mist
He still loves me
And is ever present with me