Not Good Enough


“I really don’t think you could understand, you are not in my shoes” Shonelle almost whispered.
“Try me sweet, just try me” I said as I wiped her tears once more.
She looked all around with her hands flying in demonstration and her mouth opening and closing rapidly, like she was trying to find the right words before she cried out ” I will never be good enough for him, I know I just never will ”
I was determined to be extra patient with her “It’s alright darling but first I need you to tell me why you think so”
“He is just too ….too perfect” she finally said and then the words just kept coming almost tumbling over each other
“I mean how am I ever supposed to live up to that standard, he is just so good, so kind, so godly, so patient, he is squeaky clean Bernice. No bad past whatsoever, always have been diligent serving the lord, never did anything wrong, like anything and here I am… I am…” She couldn’t go on again, the tears overwhelmed her and I was wiping softly again. I knew exactly how she felt but then I wasn’t going to speak for her, she had to let it all out.
“You know how I have lived Bernice, you know, I don’t deserve such a man. He loves me so much and I start feeling so angry trying to figure out why.”
I looked at her with sympathy and encouragement and I could see how frustrated she was, it lined her every feature. “Shonelle, what exactly have you done that makes you feel you don’t deserve Daniel? I mean why don’t you deserve him? Everyone deserves perfect too”
“You trying to play dumb now? You of all people know how I have messed up my life, he doesn’t need someone as rotten as I am and you know that! Don’t you even patronize me.” She looked almost comical trying to look angry and cry at the same time.
“Shonelle, you have still not answered me. Why don’t you deserve Daniel”
“You know why Bernice! I am dirty! I am so damn dirty Jesus would not wanna touch me with a ten foot pole! I have had so many abortions that I doubt I have a womb anymore. All those innocent babies, all of them I killed them without a second thought. I have sex as many times as I have a meal and trust me honey that is a whole lot. My whole life was a lie, I lie and defraud people for a living and worst of all is I didn’t care and don’t you forget the murder. Everyone said it was an accident, even that dumb old judge said so but I know it wasn’t, I wanted to kill her, hell! I set out to kill her! And worse still, I felt she deserved it for stealing that rotten and drunk boyfriend of mine. I watched her burn to death.” Shonelle was practically shouting, I didn’t stop her, she needed it. She collapsed on the sofa beside me as she paused to catch her breath.
Turning to me, her light evening make up marred by the tears she kept smearing it with, she said in a small voice “Do you know the worst of all? I decided to tell him all about it so he could realise how dirty and unfit I was to ever be with him. I painted the graphic pictures and even exaggerated a little, I was so sure he was going to tell me I was right and believe me I wouldn’t have been angry if he had but do you know what he did Bernice?” She looked in my eyes and her expression was like she didn’t believe what next she was going to say.
“He drew me so close, wrapped his arms around me and said “God still loves you regardless and I still love you too and we won’t stop because you are a special child of God too” Bernice, I couldn’t believe it, I looked into his eyes and there were no traces of lies, deceit or mockery or anything to show he was patronizing me. It was real, Bernice it was real, no one had ever shown me that kind of love but regardless of the fact that I have handed my life to God I still can’t shake the feeling that I don’t deserve this kind of love. I just don’t, its just too much” She buried her head in between her legs and started crying all over again.
I pulled her up, I knew she was filled with regrets but I also knew guilt would equally not solve anything, I had to remind her of what she had forgotten. I wrapped my arms around her and allowed her tears to drench me for a while before I made her look at me.
“Do you remember why you handed your life to God?” She didn’t look like she was going to talk anytime soon.
“Alright, let me remind you. You told me you were tired of the way you were living your life, you wanted to start afresh, anew, you wanted God to be in charge and control of your life so you handed it all to Him. Sweetie, need I remind you that your all also included your past, your present and your future. He wiped away and cleansed all your sins, your old way of life and He, I mean the God over all the earth forgot all about it and gave you a fresh and a clean start. He justified you honey, so now its like you never sinned and he gave you his own Spirit to sustain you in this new life such that its no longer your life but Christ living in you.
Shonelle, if God can forget it all who are you to remember and taunt your future with a past that is not going to repeat itself? No one, I mean no one deserves this clean new life that God gives, it is what it is; a gift, and this includes Daniel.
Fine, you lived a messed up life but that is gone now and God has given you the best because he loves you. Every gift he has given is because of his love for us. So now imagine, would he give Daniel anything less than perfect? You are as much a gift, a perfect gift for Daniel as he is for you. God’s thoughts towards us are good and not of evil to give us a perfect end. If God thinks you are the best for Daniel, honey you have no point.” She smiled as I said that, cleaning the remainder of the tears from her totally smeared face, she was still crying as she held me tight but I knew the tears were different this time.
“I am not good enough for Daniel, I am the best for him.” I looked at her carefully and she looks as confident as she sounded and I was convinced that all was now well.


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